Every now and then, there is an uncomfortable thought that crosses my mind. And it’s most likely to happen on the quiet days like these, in between projects, when I get a breather and a chance to recollect my thoughts.
It’s a thought I never had when I had a full-time job but has begun to creep up ever since I started working on my own. And it’s out of the utmost respect to all those who’re doing this when I say this, but I really, really fear becoming a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).
Becoming a freelancer is like being a free agent. You don’t know which collision is going to lead to what reaction. What you also don’t know, is that there may be a time when no reaction takes place at all… and what then?
My biggest fear at the moment is that there may be a day when I get no work, no choices no options and am left with no choice but to become a stay-at-home-mom. Now I know I kind of make it sounds like the apocalypse, but personally for me it gets pretty close.
I know so many amazing women who are extremely happy SAHMs and know that millions since ages have been more than happy to be in those shoes, but for me, it’s just not the thing for me.
I don’t need to explain how unconditionally I love my baby, but I strongly believe that being a mother is not all that I was born to be. I hate having to justify it, but its true. I do like myself and want to see myself do loads with the life I’ve been given. So when I see women around me giving up their individuality to raise their kids, I just can’t relate to such a way of living.
Because the question that pops into my mind is that when you orbit around your babies all your life, what do you do when they grow up into independent individuals and move away from the centre of your universe ? What do you spin around then?
Babies naturally become the biggest joy and focus of your life and thats natural. But what’s unnatural is forgetting about you, the individual in doing so. In my experience, most of the SAHMs I have met, have completely neglected their own selves. Their interests, hobbies, dreams and passions are all significantly less important when compared to the slightest whim of their children.
And somehow, this aspect of sacrificing one’s life to raise another, has been glamourised no end by our society. I won’t make this a man vs woman debate, but I feel terrible for all the fantastic singers and artists and scientists amongst us who never came out of their confinement, just because they had a child to raise.
Not only that, I’ve also seen these women lose immense amounts of self confidence over a period of time, because they weren’t ever able to express their talents to the fullest. They begin to doubt their intelligence, abilities and start questioning their position in the eyes of their children.
While it may be a conscious choice for some, I mean, they may hate working altogether or just love being at home all the time (who knows?!), but for me it seems like allowing only one dimension of your life to rule over all else when there is so much to do and experience along with becoming a parent.
And that’s why I hope I never come to that place when I’m pushed to that corner of the room. ‘Cause I know I’ll be like a fish out of water, flapping around till I find my calling.