This is a very embarrassing admission for me but I am a bit of a celebrity troll. Even before Twitter. I’ve always been one.. nothing new about it but ever since I’ve moved to Mumbai. I’ve hit an altogether new low.
Deliberately routing the auto in front of Amitabh Bacchan’s house, visiting Prithvi cafe to work (ahem!) in the hope of spotting a theatre personality, looking closely inside luxury cars that pass me by or even leering at fellow passengers at the Mumbai T2 terminal, thinking I might bump into someone known. Its really gotten pretty pathetic.
Even when I was a kid and hadn’t ever seen a star, I would have imaginary conversations with stars I admired and would give myself fake autographs from each of them. I had a little autograph diary which was full of such ‘celebrity signatures’. Shahrukh Khan, Aamir Khan, Jim Carrey, Matt Damon and the likes all had graced its pages. I was careful enough to change my handwriting for each signature to make sure each autograph looked extremely authentic. It always worked like a charm when it came to making new friends.
While I’m always on the lookout for them, if I ever do see one of these ‘stars’, I never ever venture close to them. You always singe if you go too close to one of these celestial objects. So I chose to stay far far away in my corner and gaze at them from a distance.
Also, I am NOT the type to take a selfie with a celeb. Noooo way will that ever happen. I’m very happy with my passive psychotic trolling, thank you very much.
Everytime I’ve tried to interact with them, I end up muttering inappropriate utterances/tweets which I always end up regretting.
Let me tell you about this incident that happened a long time back which will prove my point. Way back in 1999, Kajol visited one of our neighbours in Delhi. Now this neighbour was a very close friend of Tanuja’s and Kajol, despite being a star decided to pay her aunty a visit.
Now we wouldnt have known of this visit at all, but fortunately for us, we were in our balcony which overlooked their house. And my sister, who is probably a bigger troll than me casually mentioned that she saw someone who looked like Kajol enter their house.
That’s all we needed.
So we walked down across the road and stopped by this suspicious Honda Civic in front of their house (no one had a Honda Civic in our whole colony in 1999!). When we peered inside, something caught our eye. A golden, glistening metallic trophy in the shape of a lady. My sister shoved me aside and being two whole inches taller than me pasted her face onto the window of the car to see the few words printed on it “STAR SCREEN AWARD KAJ…”.
We stared at the award and then back at each other in awe. This was the best thing that had ever happened in our lives. Somehow we had to go meet her.
Meanwhile, more trolls like us had emerged who’d done a similar peer-into-the-random-fancy-car exercise. And soon a stream of people emerged outside their homes. At 3 in the afternoon. On a very hot summer day. With their point & shoots if they had any. And we all waited. For her to emerge from the house.
My mom came down a while later to find out whats happening and we told her about this unbelievable event that had occurred in our boring locality.
Now she knew this neighbour really well, so we begged and begged her to take us there. She obliged. So we walked. Armed with autograph books, a camera and our mother. Nothing could stop us. Everyone else outside our house ogled at us as we proudly smirked at them. We were going inside to meet her. And they weren’t. It was the best thing ever.
We rang the bell. Two seconds later, aunty opened the door and said ‘I was just going to call you, look who’s here’ and suddenly a girl, about 5 ‘2’ , hair tied in a ponytail, wearing glasses turned towards us and smiled. It was her. And as prepared as we were to meet her, our mouths dried up and the smiles froze on our face. As hard as we tried, no word that we had rehearsed came out of our mouths. After what seemed like a pause of 8500 years, I managed to say ‘I think you’re a great actress’. She looked amused.
Yes, that’s the affirmation she’d been looking for after winning an award just the previous night.
She refused to pose for pictures, but readily gave us autographs. We all giggled pointlessly for 5 more seconds and went home. Embarrased at the stupid words uttered but happy to have the first genuine celeb autograph in my hand.
Trolling works. Speaking; not so much.